Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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