There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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