You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
