If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
