I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
