Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
