please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
