where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
