How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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