my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
A bitchslap is in order.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize