mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
