i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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