Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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