No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
