he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
