I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
