dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There's a naked man in my car right now.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
