This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
