hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
