I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we're making bets on your personal life
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
