apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
