My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
