You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
