I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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