the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
