Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
