I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
