I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
