ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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