Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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