Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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