I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
