i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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