A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
false alarm, still single
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
