If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
