After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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