shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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