So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
