she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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