I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
