My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
