I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
