I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just pee around me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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