I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
