the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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