Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
