Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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