I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
