the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
