the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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