It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Less talking, more tequila
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
