paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
