I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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