She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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