i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
