Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
