Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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