The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
