I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
