im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
