I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
